Chiiiiiip!

ESPN has started showing the 2006 WSOP on TV. For those of you not in the know, that's the 'World Series of Poker' held in Las Vegas the top prize in the 'Big One' this year was a staggering $12-million dollars. While there are some of you who like to watch, there are also those who like to play, and for those people, playing live poker is just a skip and a hop away, just past downtown Los Angeles or LAX. We Angelinos happen to have a few Casinos. Hollywood Park near the airport, and Bicycle Club, Commerce Casino (where my friend's 85-year old mother regularly plays Pan every Wednesday and Saturday nights!), and Larry Flynt's Hustler Club. We're spoiled for choice.

Before I give you some impressions of these clubs, I just want to say that there is no truth to the rumor that the dealers at the Hustler Club are topless. Seems this was an elaborate ruse to get people to the club, but it's a nice dream, isn't it.

These Los Angeles Casinos aren't really casinos at all but more like glorified card rooms. Don't expect the glitz and glamour that Vegas has to offer. All of these casinos are in landscapes that even by LA standards are bland. Taco Bell, and perhaps Starbucks may be some of the area's cultural hotspots. A Casino wouldn't have to do much to appear classy or opulant within that landscape. Even so, all of these casino's underwhelm. Hustler looks like a big gymnasium, and Commerce, the sole offering with an actual hotel is just plain weird. It's rather plain architecture is accented by a series of internally lit plastic cones that straddle the entryway. At night, ten of the cones flash a blast of red light -- apparently the Casino designers hoped to achieve Vegas-style glitz with Christmas decorations from WalMart.

That being said, these casinos are great if you're a slob, or like good value. If you're playing at any of the tables, you can order from a menu of culinary delights (I'm using this term very loosely), and the server soon emerges with your food on a small side-car, and you can eat at the table. This would be all very well and good, except you are still gambling, and handling cards, and chips, and who knows where everyone's hands have been. However, the food is great value if you're winning. If you play for an hour at one of the lower stakes tables, you essentially just pay for service. Food is basically free. I once had a milkshake, grilled cheese with fires, and to top it off a Sundae for $2.75. Beat that!!!!!!!!

No trip to an LA cardroom would be complete without a few celebrity sightings. Toby McGuire, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Ben Affleck have all been spotted in the high-limit room. In steerage, Lou Diamond Phillips and Willie Garson (of Sex and the City fame) were seen playing in the low buy-in no-limit games.

The card clubs also features plenty of bad actors of the less glamorous variety. While I was there, I saw a belligerent man get escorted from his table by security. And during the span of just one tournament, a fist fight broke out and a man poured a carafe of boiling water down another player's shirt. I've also seen a drug sting go down in the bathroom at the Commerce, projectile vomiting (don't eat the Clam Chowder), and a knifing (also in the bathroom). Obviously, if you've got to go, go, but use caution. I don't know what is in the water, but you tend to see people at these places that you don't see anywhere else. People with strange teeth, strange haircuts, and strange clothes. It's like the bizarro Vegas.

Strangely enough, I rarely see old people at the casino. I had been under the impression that old people liked to gamble, and were attracted to the cheap food, but I guess they are herded into some back room of the casino to play the 'old people' games. I heard if you're old they even send a limosine to pick you up so you cash your disability and social security checks directly at the casino cage.

BTW if you're wondering why I called my inaugural post 'Chiiip,' that's because the predominantly Asian dealers have a habit of saying the word 'chip' in a variety of tones, all of them annoying, when a player needs to re-buy more chips.

So if you're into the thrill of looming danger, or minor star-spotting, the LA casinos are definitely a good place to play, and closer than Vegas.

[Ben]

The Illusionist

Has anyone seen The Italian Job?  Not the original but the remake with Marky Mark and Charlize Theron.  In the remake Ed Norton sports the worst mustache I have ever seen. Aside from the fact that giving a movie villain a mustache is a terrible cliché, Norton’s is completely uneven.  One side borders on handlebar while the other is more Hitler-esque.  I haven’t seen grooming this bad since I stopped getting my hair cut by my friend’s sister.  She was hot so I accepted the fact that my sideburns were never going to be even.

Well, Ed Norton is at it again in his new movie The Illusionist.  In this romantic drama about a magician, the real mystery is how Mr. Norton could sport such a ridiculous goatee.  Not even the lovely Jessica Beil could distract me from Ed Norton’s asshole ring of hair on his face.  Actually there was really nothing wrong with Ed Norton’s facial hair in the movie except for one scene where he wears a fake beard.  I just can’t stop thinking about his mustache from the Italian Job.  That upper lip is burned into the frontal lobe of my mind.  He ruined mustaches for everyone in 2004.  As for the movie, I thought it was halfway decent for an afternoon matinee.  I was intrigued for most of it and I do love Jessica Beil.  Paul Giamatti also gives a great performance in the movie as chief of police.  Then again, Paul Giamatti could be in a Herpicin commercial and his performance would still be top notch.  Now, there is an actor who never phones it in.  I say if you have two hours to kill see The Illusionist.  If you have a bit more time rent The Italian Job.  Maybe we can start a message board about how one bad mustache can ruin an entire career.  [Barry]

Jdate may be controlled by the Terrorists

A friend of mine commented that the J in the Jdate stands for Jihad, (JihadDate.com- I’m always looking for new business ideas and that my friends sounds like gold, I can just think of the tagline too- “Because a terrorist has needs too…”), because the terrorists have secretly taken over Jdate.com and populated it with fat and crazy chicks to thwart the Jewish expansion, or at least create unhappy marriages. My review of Jdate.com can only be summarized by re-publishing my profile. So here it is:

Okay, here's my first Jdate theory: there are three kinds of girls on Jdate 1) fat 2) crazy 3) fat and crazy...Here's my second theory on Jdate: the worst photo is always the most accurate. My third Jdate theory: undergraduate degree in psychology= crazy, graduate degree in psychology= car through my living room crazy. I realize that may seem mean-spirited, but rest assured that's the last thing I am. I have a very deep, philosophical-artistic side that always searches for character and deeper meaning in the women I try to wrangle into bed. Just the other day, I was talking to my best friend- who happens to be a girl- and she said to me, "you know you're only interested in the girl if she has big breasts", and I replied to her "no, that's not true-- it's not that I can't love a girl with small breasts, it's that a girl with small breasts can not be loved. She is unlovable. It's beyond my control- call it fate."

Shumai and Soap Stars

Some people say all Chinese food tastes the same.  Wait, that was me.  Anyway that is why I love Typhoon.  It isn’t Chinese food at all.  It’s Asian Fusion.  If that doesn’t get you, they also serve bugs.  Not sure what types, but unless the people sitting next to me were blind they ate a plate of fried roaches.  I personally stick to standard fare when I am there.  I start with a mixed green salad with a crispy wasabi seaweed garnish.  I follow that up with a shrimp shumai appetizer, good for two people.  Finally, as a main course I like to dive into some glass noodles and shrimp in green curry sauce.  All good stuff, I tell you.  On top of the good food Typhoon has some of the best ambiance in LA.  It is located at the Santa Monica Airport.  While you dine you have a bird’s eye view of all the rich people coming and going in their private jets. 

During my last visit, I noticed one of the stars of The Young and the Restless trying to enjoy a nice dinner.  It was kind of hard for him, considering I was staring at him with a mouth full of curry.  Victor Newman’s son, for those of you in the know.  The great thing about soap operas is that if you have seen one episode you have seen them all. You can pick up anywhere and figure it out in a few minutes.  There are only so many brain tumor, fake death, he’s-not-your-daddy plots.  I actually caught an episode the other day and I knew all the characters even though it had been ten days years since my last episode.  Do I recommend you waste your time with the Young and the Restless?  Not unless you are a lonely housewife. In that case feel free to leave your personal information in the comments section.  Do I recommend you hit Typhoon?  Absolutely.  Everything from the whole fried snapper to the rum drinks are done well.  Take a date.  She/He will sure to be impressed when you tell them you could take them out on your jet if it wasn’t in the shop.

Typhoon
3221 Donald Douglas Loop S
Santa Monica, CA 90405 
310-390-6565

[Barry]

Fresh in the BOX

There is something about the name Fresh in the BOX that sounds so dirty.  It would make a great title for my porn masterpiece.  Sadly I am forced to look elsewhere for a catchy name since a sushi restaurant in Culver City already owns it. I wouldn’t want people mixing up my movie with a place to get delicious spicy tuna rolls. Or would I? I hold no grudges about the name since I really like the restaurant.  It fills two of my criteria for dining establishments: it is good and cheap. Wait a minute, that is my porn requirement too.   On a serious note, Fresh in the Box is a great place to get sushi rolls.  It is the only place I know of that has brown sushi rice, if you are into that.  Most rolls are $5.75 but I always add a mixed green salad for an extra buck.  They also have a wide assortment of imported Japanese beverages.  Coffee in a can?  Nah, I think I will get the melon soda. If you are looking for a new place to get good cheap sushi rolls, this is it.  The restaurant is located on Washington Blvd across from Costco.  Tell them Barry sent you.  It won’t do you any good but tell them anyway. 

They have a website, yet I can’t make heads or tails of it: www.4lifeco.com

Check it out.   

Sorry, no pictures on this post.

Fresh in the BOX
13354 Washington Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90066
310-301-9100

[Barry]

The 9/11 Report for Dummies

How do you get the general public to read something that some may find dry or hard to understand?  You put it in comic form of course.  I just finished reading The 9/11 Report, a graphic adaptation by Sid Jacobson and Ernie Colon.  It is based on the Final Report of the National Commission on Terrorist Attacks upon the United States.  It won’t come as a shock that I am going to recommend everyone read this since I happen to like comics. But, unlike last month’s issue of Batman I can actually back-up why you should read this comic. The subject matter is portrayed in a clear and concise manner. The detail flows well and it left me wanting to learn more about how 9/11 happened.  It also gave me an understanding of how, unfortunately, hindsight can be 20/20. 

It is obvious that a lot of time was put into the book's creation.  I am hoping that the novelty of the format draws people into reading the Commission’s findings. Check it out. [Barry]

Toast

Is it wrong if two consenting adults have unbridled intercourse out in public while waiting to be seated for brunch, if so, that’s pretty much the vibe outside the hostess table for the restaurant Toast, an impossibly hip eatery located on 3rd and ‘if you have to ask you obviously can’t afford it’ avenue.

The restaurant, owned by the same competent restaurateurs who did Lulu’s on Beverly, is of course quite good. The food is impeccable, the price is right, the service swift- which is why the wait to be seated is longer than takes to actually eat your food.

I would recommend the pancakes, that's not funny, unless you find pancakes hysterical.  [Phil]

Toast
8221 W 3rd St.
Los Angeles, CA 90048-4302
(323) 655-5018

Best Bacon in LA

As The Griddle is the only place for breakfast within a two miles radius of my place in Hollywood, one might naturally assume I’d be unfairly biased not to offend the gods of brunch lest they smite me with a bad fruit plate, but one would be wrong.

The Griddle while certainly a hipster haven and B-actor haunt, is also one of the best places for brunch and breakfast in the Los Angeles/ Hollywood area. The service is hit or miss, and their portions would make a Calcutta beggar wince, but their bacon is so good I’ve dragged my orthodox Jewish friends there just to test their faith.

On a celebrity sighting note- evidently it’s the real life ‘peach pit’ because I continuously see the gang from 90210 hanging out- Ian Ziering is there more than the cooks and Jason Priestley occasionally pops in to make fun of Ian. 

[PHIL]

We are such stuff as dreams are made on

Yup, you guessed it--that's a line from Act 4 of Shakespeare's The Tempest.  It differs a bit from "It's the stuff that dreams are made of," Humphrey Bogart's closing reference to the black lacquered MacGuffin in screen classic The Maltese Falcon which screened the other night at Hollywood's ArcLight Cinema.  The 1941 mystery/thriller was part of the "AFI at ArcLight Presents:  AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movies Screening Series," a somewhat ungrammatical title for a hugely popular Wednesday night event at the spiffy theater/bar/gift shop/hotel lobby.

I'd never seen the movie on the big screen, so it was impressive to see for the first time the nuanced performance by Bogart, complete with facial micro-tics, subtle body adjustments, and implied irony in every gesture.  I attribute much of this to actor/writer/producer/director-genius John Huston as well, who has infused the dialogue with subtext about acting of all things.  That is, all the chatter between Bogart and Mary Astor is not about the subject at hand, it's about their underlying relationship, one colored by distrust, deceit, and desire.  The crazy thing is, after all the barbed comments, the tears, the anger, the two mugs are falling in love!  Well, I never noticed that before.  On the small screen, I was way too concerned about the Falcon and the set of dangerous backstabbers in pursuit of it. 

I'm definitely going out later to buy one of those replica Falcons at a Hollywood memorabilia shop, a secret desire of mine since I moved to Tinseltown many years ago. [Don]

Bye, bye, Judaism. Hello, Scientology

This is the post that spawned the idea for the site. 

If this were Nazi Germany, I would sell out my friends for the stalest piece of bread I could get my greedy hands on.  It might not be right away, but come lunchtime you are done.  I would give up the secret door to your attic hideaway before you could say mondle bread. 

Now that you know a little bit about my character, I will tell you about my vast experience with Scientology and why it is the superior religion.  I don't care how long Judaism, Chistianity, or any other religion has been around; there is a key factor with regards to Scientology that makes it superior.  They have a restaurant located on the grounds. I can't get pancakes at Temple! If you make a reservation and mention the website you get a $5 discount.  Buffet, $5 discount, weird cultish religion, I am in!

The Scientology Celebrity Centre International is located in Hollywood California.  It is a really cool old hotel that I guess Scientology bought some years back.  I don't know too much about the history, but I am sure you can find it on their website.  My experiences dealt mostly with how much roast beef I could eat and how negative a person I was. As soon as I got to the Centre I hit the buffet.  I have to say for $20 you really can't go wrong.  There are all the standard breakfast items, various roasts, potatoes, desserts, Kool-aid, etc.  They were a bit weak on the desserts and the quality of the mashed potatoes, but when you are dealing with a buffet some things are expected to get lost with mass production.  I recommend the brunch if for nothing else you get a sweet creepy Shining vibe from the building.  No blood coming out of the walls but there could have been L.Ron's ghost behind the bar.

After I greedily had seconds of every dish that was offered, I proceeded to walk around the grounds.  Within two, maybe three seconds, a person came over and asked me if I wanted an official tour. Why not?  I had nothing better do to after eating two waffles and some pound cake. All of a sudden, I am in some office with a Thetan (Scientology term for a person). Now, maybe I am naive but I thought that I was going to get a tour of the actual building not of Scientology. I spent the next hour learning how the mind works, and how reading emotions and reacting better will change my life.  There was that and something about an audit, not sure if that dealt with the IRS though.  I was ushered room to room where there were plasma televisions  waiting to play the next segment of my introduction.  I wonder why it couldn't have all been in one room.  At the very least they could have saved money on electronics. This is Hollywood though. In one room I was introduced to the Tone Scale, a scale that shows the emotional tones of a person.  My friend promptly told me that I was averaging a .003 on the scale, which in normal words said I was useless. I am not joking, it really said useless for one of the tones. It could have been worse, 0.00 is dead.  My next room contained the magical E-meter.  The E-meter is used to measure distress in one's life.  The funniest thing about the meter was when I used it in a demo, it kept registering that I was distress free.  If you know me at all, you know all I am is distressed.  Only when I burst into laughter did the meter read that I was distressed.  I may have to do some new research about the correlation between laughter and happiness.  I guess laughter isn't the best medicine after all. Good thing too, since no drugs are allowed.

When I finished my last video and really felt I learned enough to be dangerous I decided to hit the road. My guide wanted me to meet with someone else but I managed to squirm out before she got there. I also avoided taking a career test.  I fell for that trick in high school and I don't care what anyone says, I was not put on this earth to bake cookies.  Right before I left I overheard another tour where the guide informed the prospectives that there is great networking for jobs in the entertainment industry for fellow Scientologists.  I thought we Jews controlled Entertainment.  If I became a Scientologist would I have double the networking power?

On one good note I did get to meet Tom Cruise while I was there: Leah Remini serenading the guests in the restuarant: Outdoor shot of the grounds:

*This blog does not condone discrimination.  All religions/tax shelters will be made fun of equally.